is something Dad has said
to me
probably 4 or 5 times
in the last few weeks.
I look at the changes
in my life
since I wrote about the
incredible snow we had
on Christmas 2011,
and I am amazed
at all that has gone on
in my life
since then.
A year has passed and I haven't written a story.
Talk about time marching on!
I have been too busy living and dying to write.
I still have great toys,
but I haven't played with my toys much lately.
I don't know where to start,
so much has happened this year.
So many BIG things,
life changing things.
Things that now make me who I am.
Lets start with the bad thing first.
My Mom died on June 30, 2012 at 9:40 pm.
It hurts to even type the words.
There are so many emotions in my head and my heart,
but I will try and corral them somehow.
I have never felt so alone in my life.
Scared.
Alone.
Really alone.
I have never done anything that I didn't first consider my Mom.
She and I were quite the pair.
I was her only daughter, and the baby of the whole flam damnly.
After having 4 boys,
I was special-
or that is what she always told me.
She never let me get too far from her.
I think thats why I eloped at 17.
I wanted to get away from her.
Now
I want to get back to her.
I miss her so, so much.
Our roles reversed in the last many years.
I was the care giver to her,
even tho she never stopped trying
to take care of me and Dad.
She tried, but she just couldn't keep going.
Her beautiful, caring heart, just broke.
The Dr said,
"just like an old hinge on a door, it just one day breaks and you can't fix it"
The last few months of her life we had some great moments,
just as we did our whole lives together.
It was so hard to see her go.
The days and nights were hard.
There wasn't anything about it that wasn't hard as hell,
except for loving Mom.
That was easy.
She and I loved each other in such a special way.
We understood each other.
I thought she was crazy, and she thought I was original.
ha
We had alot of fun together.
Lots of love, bones and toys.
If all the babies in the world were born to a Mother like mine
This world would be a wonderful place full of wonderful. loving people.
Her love is eternal and real.
She was the toughest woman I have ever known.
Physically, mentally,emotionally, spiritually.
She was like a brilliant, tough, strong, thick, oak door.
Protecting us,
keeping us safe and warm,
opening the world to us.
A magnificant 84 year old door
with a broken hinge.
When my brother Mark was killed at the age of 22,
I watched her bury part of herself.
She never stopped grieving
but she never stopped living either.
When my son Luke died at the age of 3 1/2,
I thought she was going to die too.
I know part of me died.
I don't know how we got thru it all, but together we did.
We had a bond that truly was our own.
When my brother Mike died at age 55,
It was like we knew the drill.
We knew to cherish the days we had left
together.
Cherish them, we did.
A few weeks before Mom died,
she told me her Mom and sister had been to see her.
They have both been dead for some time.
A few days before she died
she told me
to get "all those people out of here"
She didn't want to see them.
I couldn't see anyone, but all the same I turned around and said
"would ya'll please leave? Mom doesn't want you here right now."
She gave me a little nod of "Thank you-they left"
The day she died, she told me her sister was there.
I believe she was.
I believe Jesus himself walked right in that room, and walked out with Mom on his arm.
She lived her whole life on the path to heaven with Jesus.
A few hours before she died, a nurse said to Mom,
"its ok, you can go now"
Mom said
"if I go, can I come back?"
Holy cow
Mom
you are amazing.
It was so hard to watch her struggle to breathe.
All I could think to do was rock her like a baby.
Like she always did me.
So
I got in the bed with her and cradled her in my arms and rocked her back and forth.
God I love her.
I love her so much.
I would do ANYTHING to help her.
She had such bravery.
I felt like
she didn't want to go,
but she knew she had to.
She was beautiful, even then.
I remember putting her hand up to my face,
wanting her to love on me,
and pat my face like she always did.
but her hand didn't move.
It never moved again.
It becomes so hard to watch someone you love suffer
that when death
does lay its
cold,
still,
silent,
blanket
on its captor,
there is a sense of relief.
A sense of disbelief.
This can't be real,
This isn't happening.
yes it has
A sense of being free.
A sense of being re-born.
A door being closed.
A door being opened.
all at the same time.
Feeling alone.
Feeling together.
Not knowing what to do.
Knowing exactly what to do-
I took Dad home with me that night.
We were so sad,
I don't think we said hardly a word on the
hour drive to the house.
We tried to figure out what to do.
It all came together and the next 10 days were full of
tears and memories
and laughs and memories
and friends and family.
Lots of love and bones.
The one
I wanted to talk to and see the most
wasn't there,
but I know she wanted to be.
I love you Mom.
Thanks for being such a wonderful Mother to me.
I will always miss you!
Until I see you again-
I love you the most!
at all that has gone on
in my life
since then.
A year has passed and I haven't written a story.
Talk about time marching on!
I have been too busy living and dying to write.
I still have great toys,
but I haven't played with my toys much lately.
I don't know where to start,
so much has happened this year.
So many BIG things,
life changing things.
Things that now make me who I am.
Lets start with the bad thing first.
My Mom died on June 30, 2012 at 9:40 pm.
It hurts to even type the words.
There are so many emotions in my head and my heart,
but I will try and corral them somehow.
I have never felt so alone in my life.
Scared.
Alone.
Really alone.
I have never done anything that I didn't first consider my Mom.
She and I were quite the pair.
I was her only daughter, and the baby of the whole flam damnly.
After having 4 boys,
I was special-
or that is what she always told me.
She never let me get too far from her.
I think thats why I eloped at 17.
I wanted to get away from her.
Now
I want to get back to her.
I miss her so, so much.
Our roles reversed in the last many years.
I was the care giver to her,
even tho she never stopped trying
to take care of me and Dad.
She tried, but she just couldn't keep going.
Her beautiful, caring heart, just broke.
The Dr said,
"just like an old hinge on a door, it just one day breaks and you can't fix it"
The last few months of her life we had some great moments,
just as we did our whole lives together.
It was so hard to see her go.
The days and nights were hard.
There wasn't anything about it that wasn't hard as hell,
except for loving Mom.
That was easy.
She and I loved each other in such a special way.
We understood each other.
I thought she was crazy, and she thought I was original.
ha
We had alot of fun together.
Lots of love, bones and toys.
If all the babies in the world were born to a Mother like mine
This world would be a wonderful place full of wonderful. loving people.
Her love is eternal and real.
She was the toughest woman I have ever known.
Physically, mentally,emotionally, spiritually.
She was like a brilliant, tough, strong, thick, oak door.
Protecting us,
keeping us safe and warm,
opening the world to us.
A magnificant 84 year old door
with a broken hinge.
When my brother Mark was killed at the age of 22,
I watched her bury part of herself.
She never stopped grieving
but she never stopped living either.
When my son Luke died at the age of 3 1/2,
I thought she was going to die too.
I know part of me died.
I don't know how we got thru it all, but together we did.
We had a bond that truly was our own.
When my brother Mike died at age 55,
It was like we knew the drill.
We knew to cherish the days we had left
together.
Cherish them, we did.
A few weeks before Mom died,
she told me her Mom and sister had been to see her.
They have both been dead for some time.
A few days before she died
she told me
to get "all those people out of here"
She didn't want to see them.
I couldn't see anyone, but all the same I turned around and said
"would ya'll please leave? Mom doesn't want you here right now."
She gave me a little nod of "Thank you-they left"
The day she died, she told me her sister was there.
I believe she was.
I believe Jesus himself walked right in that room, and walked out with Mom on his arm.
She lived her whole life on the path to heaven with Jesus.
A few hours before she died, a nurse said to Mom,
"its ok, you can go now"
Mom said
"if I go, can I come back?"
Holy cow
Mom
you are amazing.
It was so hard to watch her struggle to breathe.
All I could think to do was rock her like a baby.
Like she always did me.
So
I got in the bed with her and cradled her in my arms and rocked her back and forth.
God I love her.
I love her so much.
I would do ANYTHING to help her.
She had such bravery.
I felt like
she didn't want to go,
but she knew she had to.
She was beautiful, even then.
I remember putting her hand up to my face,
wanting her to love on me,
and pat my face like she always did.
but her hand didn't move.
It never moved again.
It becomes so hard to watch someone you love suffer
that when death
does lay its
cold,
still,
silent,
blanket
on its captor,
there is a sense of relief.
A sense of disbelief.
This can't be real,
This isn't happening.
yes it has
A sense of being free.
A sense of being re-born.
A door being closed.
A door being opened.
all at the same time.
Feeling alone.
Feeling together.
Not knowing what to do.
Knowing exactly what to do-
I took Dad home with me that night.
We were so sad,
I don't think we said hardly a word on the
hour drive to the house.
We tried to figure out what to do.
It all came together and the next 10 days were full of
tears and memories
and laughs and memories
and friends and family.
Lots of love and bones.
The one
I wanted to talk to and see the most
wasn't there,
but I know she wanted to be.
I love you Mom.
Thanks for being such a wonderful Mother to me.
I will always miss you!
Until I see you again-
I love you the most!
m.ann
